what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
