I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
