gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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