Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
