so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm drive I can fine osifer
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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