Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Send help, water and tortillas.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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