I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
