Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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