yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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