My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
