I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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