Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
