Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
