I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
