He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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