i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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