Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
