I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
