i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
