broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
