Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Two words: blizzard sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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