I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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