True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
