the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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