You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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