I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
