It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
