you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
