I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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