I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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