Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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