gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
