I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
