She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
