wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
