we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
