I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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