I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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