im about as happy as oj after his trial
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
