I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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