I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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