I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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