My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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