im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
