Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
