I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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