Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
