Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
