He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
