i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
